Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.
Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:
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Physical Battering - The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.
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Sexual Abuse - Physical attacks by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.
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Psychological Battering -The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.
Domestic violence escalates and may become life-threatening including behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.
The power and control wheel gives examples of an abusive relationship while the equality wheel gives examples of a healthy relationship.
Power & Control
Here are some common phrases victims use when describing their abuse:
Using intimidation:
“Whenever I’m on the phone, he looks at me like he’s going to hit me if I don’t hang up.”
“He knows I love my cat Friskers, so whenever he’s mad at me he kicks her.”
“He likes keeping his gun next to him all the time even though he knows I hate those things.”
Using Emotional abuse:
“After I had the baby, I wasn’t able to lose the last 5 pounds. Now he’s always telling me how fat I am and how he didn’t marry fat cow.”
“My boyfriend calls me pizza face.”
“I feel like I’m crazy, I mean I know he is hurting me, but he tells me how much he loves me all the time.”
Using Isolation:
“He would not let me go out with my friends on my birthday because he said the house was too dirty.”
“I really hate that he does not let me go to church anymore, I really love hearing the weekly message.”
“I hate living out here in this rural area and not having a phone in the house. I never get to talk to anybody anymore.”
Minimizing, Denying or Blaming:
“He calls the beatings ‘love taps.’”
“When our preacher asked him what happened to my face, he said I was playing with the kids and a toy hit me.”
“He told me I pushed him too far this time, and he needed to show me how to act.”
Using the Children:
“He said that if I do not drop the charges, he’ll take the children, and I will never see them again.”
“He knew I had a child before he married me, but I don’t understand why he thinks she is the reason we cannot save money.”
“I hate visitations because he still gives me that look.”
Using Male Privilege:
“He refuses to pick up milk on his way home because it’s ‘women’s work.’”
“When he came home yesterday, he was driving a brand new truck. I told him we needed something the whole family could fit in, but he didn’t listen to me.”
“He doesn’t mind his friends being at the house at all hours of the night, but he says my Sunday brunch friends talk too much and are no longer welcome.”
Using Economic Abuse:
“He only gives me $50 a week to buy groceries for the whole family, it’s just not enough to feed 6 people and his friends,”
“I really like working at the coffee shop, but I never see the money because he demands the check be mailed to him.”
“He buys his clothing at the mall, but I have to buy my stuff at Wal-Mart.”
Using Coercion or Threats:
“He said if I left him, he’d kill me and the kids.”
“I’m so ashamed he makes me grow pot in the basement, but he said he’d call the cops if I ever tried to leave.”
“He talked me into getting a tattoo of his name on my arm; he said it’s so that everybody knows I’m taken.”
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship call 466-0015 or for free, confidential help.
Equity Wheel
Non-Threatening Behavior:
“We love to sit and discuss current events over dinner. He listens to me and I listen to him.”
“He doesn’t mind if I sit in the other room and talk on the phone.”
“When I have had a hard day, he hugs me and tells me everything will be ok.”
Respect:
“I appreciate how my husband listens to my opinion and takes my feelings into consideration.”
“Even when he thinks I’m wrong, he’ll still allow me to continue with what I have to say.”
“When I look sad, my husband asks me if something is wrong and if I want to talk about it.”
Trust and Support:
“My husband knows I want to become a nurse; he watches the children when I’m at class or when I need to study in quite.”
“My husband knows I’m a responsible adult so he does not mind when I go out with my friends.”
“My husband doesn’t become jealous when a male coworker talks to me.”
Honesty and Accountability:
“When my husband and I disagree on something, we sit down and talk about what is bothering us.”
“When my husband realizes he’s doing something wrong, he is quick to apologize.”
“My husband never tried to hide his boyhood experimentations with drugs.”
Responsible Parenting:
“Even though he may be tired, my husband always helps the children with their homework.”
“When our son got in a fight at school, my husband sat down and taught him non-violent ways of ending a fight.”
“My child’s father is very good about being on time for pick-up and drop-off during his visitation time.”
Shared Responsibility:
“When I cook, my husband does the dishes.”
“My husband did the house chores when I was sick so I could stay in bed.”
“On the days I have to be at work early, my husband makes sure the children are up and ready for school.”
Economic Partnership:
“Even though I don’t work, my husband still wanted my input on the car we were going to buy.”
“Each week we take $25 out of our paychecks and put it into a savings bond for our child.”
“Even though my husband makes twice as much as I do, he never makes me feel bad for using some of his money.”
Negotiation and Fairness:
“When my husband and I could not agree on a house to buy, we sat down and evaluated the pro’s and con’s of each house.”
“Even though he really didn’t want a divorce, my husband accepted the fact that I no longer wanted to be in a marriage.”
“When our 6 year old daughter wanted to get her ears pierced, my husband felt she was too young, and she should wait until she was 10. We discussed the matter and compromised on making her wait until she is 8.”
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship call 466-0015 for free, confidential help.
